Kami no Dōke
by Kyunlei
Summary: She knows that she's already died, but for some reason she's still... sentient? Then she finds out that she's reincarnated not as a human, an animal or anything that's even remotely alive, but as something that was meant to be a weapon. [Self-insert/OC as Innocence-Crown Clown]


I don't own D Gray-man.

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**Chapter One**

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…

Everything was dark.

She didn't know how long she'd been in the empty void for, but she wanted to get out.

It was suffocating, and she felt like she was drowning. The silence was almost driving her mad.

It was so, so _cold_.

Though she had no physical body in the vacant, seemingly endless space, she wrapped her arms around herself to provide some comfort in a figurative way.

Then, like a sign of hope, a ray of light shone from a distance. It felt warm and soothing.

…

She walked towards it.

* * *

It was almost instinctual when the first thought as to what she was came to her. No second thoughts, no doubts, and it was like the answer was something obvious to begin with.

She had died, and she could still recall blurry images of a past life. Then there was a confusing length of time in the dark void before she became 'conscious' and realised that perhaps she had been reborn.

But she hadn't been reborn as a human or even an animal.

She'd been reborn as 'Innocence'—a shard of the Crystal of God and a weapon that was sentient.

(Her mind flashed to a name she remembered from her past life that was independent and particularly sentient: Apocryphos.)

Bright-green eyes—_where were her dark brown eyes_—reminiscent of the glow Innocence usually emitted, lowered to her translucent hands and feet that hovered above the ground. She had gained a 'body' that was akin to a spectre or a spirit.

Confusion had been the first thing that had hit her, but then abruptly, the pieces fell together—though she was aware that she certainly didn't have all of them. Something was eerily missing, and it was almost mocking her with how important it was.

It was strange being unable to touch or influence anything. Things were close to being the same as being in that abyss of nothingness—no one could hear her, speak to her or interact with her. It was… lonely.

But being able to see colours and changes in scenery was an improvement that she'd take over that dark space any day.

Still, she just wished that she could talk to the red-haired boy somehow—_just him, let my voice reach him at least_—as he was the first person she had laid her eyes on in the new world in which she had been reborn into.

'Demon child', they had called him, and she knew the reason why.

Abandoned by his parents and looked on by others with varying levels of disdain and slight fear, a child barely older than five sat alone, nursing a few injuries dealt by some cruel children.

She had yet to see him being treated with even a sliver of kindness.

It was frustrating and horrible to see a child being treated that way, and she felt so guilty.

For all it took was a second to realise that he had been the beacon of light, the one who had freed and guided her from the unbearable desolation. However, in exchange for unknowingly saving her, he paid a heavy price of becoming her Accommodator…

She had been the one to take the help—the special attraction that pulled her towards the light. She had been the one to go towards her chance at escaping the place that had trapped her in its never-ending darkness. But she knew it would've—_should've_—ended up like this either way. It was something inevitable.

Because she knew her name.

She was Crown Clown, and the boy in front her was Allen Walker.

And she knew how this story went.

* * *

She was always seemingly hovering around Allen, not able to touch or have influence with anything. The only thing she could do was watch over him.

Over time, she couldn't help but become fond of the red-haired boy who was not yet Allen Walker but would nonetheless grow up to become the white-haired exorcist one day.

The hostility and negativity towards the boy hadn't helped either in diminishing the feeling of guilt, only causing her to gaze at him sadly, eyes filled with sympathy and shame—shame for not being able to help and her inability to do anything for him.

Guilt for essentially being the cause of his pain.

That was why she tried reaching him. She tried connecting to him. She tried to at least let him hear her voice—to tell him that _no, you're not a demon. You don't deserve any of this at all._

_I'm so sorry._

So she wished—she wished to be by his side so that she could comfort him.

(And more than anything, she wished to selfishly apologise for what she had done.

_And what she couldn't do_.)

Sometimes she thought that maybe he could sense her presence. These were rare, exciting moments when he would turn his head in her direction after she'd tried calling out to him or reaching for him. Those special moments always seemed to last the longest when she thinks they're making eye contact and yet at the next second when he looks away, it appears to make them so fleeting, leaving her feeling like there was an ache in her chest because something was missing.

She just… She just wanted to…

(What did she want? What was she even _allowed_ to want?

What more could _someone like her_ dare to even ask for?)

Feeling downhearted, she fell back into the routine of just watching Allen, or more accurately Red as he was currently named. He was trying to juggle some clubs whilst simultaneously standing on a large ball that resembled a beach ball—a classic act amongst circuses.

His balance on the ball was fine, but as for the juggling… it wasn't good to say the least. Especially since he couldn't move his left arm—the red, venous arm which hosted the Innocence fragment.

_Plunk. Plunk. Plunk._

One by one, they fell to the floor. Dejected and slight frustrated, Red hopped off the giant multi-coloured ball and stared at his left hand intently. His fingers twitched as if making an effort to move, and he pursed his lips.

_Looks like that's the limit as to how much he can move his left hand, huh._

If she recalled correctly, he only started having proper mobility after being given the name 'Allen' and bringing Mana back to life as an akuma. So it was definitely around the time Marian Cross shows up to take Allen as his apprentice at the very least.

_Two more years until Red meets Mana and becomes Allen._

_Five more years, Mana dies, and Allen's path is set in stone._

_Ten more years, the beginning of everything as we all know it._

…

* * *

_No, no, no. Why was this happening?!_

It occurred without warning—suddenly appearing and then slowly approaching Red.

_He wasn't supposed to come across akuma so early!_

Something hammered loudly in her chest even though she had no physical heart, panic gripping and taking hold of her entirely. Had her existence caused such a change?

She hadn't wanted to think about the consequences of her existence and what that led to. She didn't think it would be much, in the end. She couldn't talk to Red, and no one could hear her. Her influence in the world was literally none because everything would have turned out like this whether she had chosen to leave that void or not.

_(She thought like this, but it never eased the guilt for being the reason as to why he was called a 'Demon Child' and treated so horribly. Could she have changed that?)_

The creation of the Millennium Earl drew closer to Red before cornering him. There was nowhere to run.

Desperate, even though she knew that it would be futile, she tried to stand in between the akuma and Red, trying to protect the boy. But all that resulted in was the akuma passing through her, advancing forward.

Again and again—she tried to obstruct the monster, only to phase right through like the ghost of a being that she was, having should've disappeared a long time ago.

_Please, I've already taken so much. Let me at least do this._

_Let me him at least have this._

* * *

.

.

_(For him…_

_She appeared in a flash of bright light and a sudden, weird warmth to his chest._

_There, she stood proudly before him._

_As he stared at her back, he thought that maybe she was an angel because she resembled one so much from the stories that he'd heard of what one was like._

_Small orbs of light seemed to surround her, fluttering gently to the ground, disappearing as they melted like delicate snowflakes—so fleeting, like an awakening from a wistful dream.)_

.

.

.

She turned around, and then, for the first time in his life, he was given the option to take an outstretched hand which was there to help him stand back up, rather than to beat him back down. Her eyes gazed at him with such concern and guilt that it confused him because they barely knew each other, and she wasn't the one who hurt him. And as she reached for his hand, he jolted slightly in surprise and fear when she takes his ugly and deformed hand.

But she doesn't even pause in her action of pulling him up, or even give his red, inhuman-looking hand a second glance.

It was then, that he thought, _maybe it wouldn't be so bad_—

—_Maybe she would stay._

…

And so, he looked up to meet her eyes and asked:

"What's your name?"

* * *

...

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**A/N:**

So apparently I have this bad habit of just keeping everything in my head to stew in or leaving things in my documents folder without doing anything because procrastination exists. This came out written with it 95% done in like... March 2016. Jeez.

I remember getting inspired with this idea all of a sudden back then when I heard that a NEW SEASON OF DGRAY-MAN WAS COMING OUT. (Also, still haven't watched said new season btw xD lmao... I also heard that it wasn't that good, is this true?)

Originally, I wasn't planning on uploading this because I have two other fanfics that I haven't updated in gosh knows how long, but today I just went fudge it, and started editing this first chapter that I'd already written and in an hour or so, this was the result. I think this is what I needed to do to get back into writing fanfictions, because my heart is just too fickle and over the years, I've found it harder and harder to focus on just one thing for some reason (is it because I'm getting old...?).

And! After a long year spent living in Shanghai, China, as part of my university degree to study abroad, I'm finally back and I don't have to share a room with someone nor do I need to suffer through all the restrictions like not being able to use YouTube etc! YAY!

(P.S. Sorry if my English is weird, I've spent a year in China and I've frankly forgotten a lot of words and how to even 'English' anymore. It's going to take me a while to get everything back in order, different grammar rules and all.)


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